Love This Pain
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Somethin' 'bout us, just won't work, but I can't walk away. It's like I love this pain. Mulder and Scully have a lot of straightening out to do.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Spoilers: Up through the end of season 5, not including "The End."

A/N: Okay, so it has been a LONG time since I have written some brand new Sculder. So yes, I am a little rusty, but I hope they are still in character. Whoa, I have never had to wonder about that before. Note to self, make some time for Sculder. And amen.

* * *

They were no longer "Mulder and Scully." In the past few weeks they had become "Mulder and Scully and Constant Bickering." They couldn't seem to do anything without it ending in a huge fight, complete with screaming and slamming doors. It was the same fight every time, heightened by stress and monotony, and the desperate need to be heard over the other. They fought so hard and so long that once it was over, they didn't have much energy to make up or to even think about what was said. They fought to the point of exhaustion and that was the reason why they kept fighting.

It was certainly not the most productive they had ever been.

It was with sore throat and red eyes that Scully sat in Skinner's outer office, her arms crossed over her chest. She was so over this, and yet still so steamed from their latest scuffle that she couldn't think about anything else. Mulder's arrival two seconds ago, his flop down onto the couch next to her was just about the last straw and the straw that broke the camel's back all in one. His squirms and toe taps had driven her right to the edge, and she stood there wondering if the sigh he was about to let out would push her right over it. Her mouth cracked open, her vocal cords prepared for a work out, and her fists clenched at her sides just as Skinner poked his head into the room and asked them to join him.

Her legs twitching with irritation, she stood up and followed Skinner, managing to stay out of Mulder's bubble. She could tell he was just as irritated as she was, but when it came down to it, she was right and he was wrong, and there was nothing that could change that.

"I'll be blunt. I'm sick of this," Skinner said, sliding his glasses on and looking at the papers on his desk. "It has been months of arguments, reports that contradict each other, undermining each other, fighting in the hallway, and frankly, I'm sick of it. I've done my part. I've sent you out of town, I've kept you in the office. I've had you each meet with a counselor, I've separated you and I've even given you different partners. Somehow you continue to seek each other out and fight like… I don't even know what, I've stopped trying to understand. What it comes down to is this. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do with you. I need you gone for a while, so I am sending you to a seminar. I know you hate it, but the only way out is to quit."

They glanced at each other and then away, feeling the sizzle of rage about to burst forth. It was better to stay focused.

"It's a week long seminar, given by an outside group. They specialize in aiding partners in law enforcement or high risk occupations. Normally I wouldn't even try this, but quite frankly, you two have got to figure out something and I am willing to do whatever it takes to assist in that. This packet has all your travel information, and I expect you to be in attendance the whole week. Running off to chase monsters is not an option. When you get back, we'll have a discussion about where you two decide to go from here, as partners or not. I don't want flippant decisions either. Understood?"

"Sir, I don't think it's within your scope of leadership to ship us off because we're acting up. And if I may be so blunt-"

"No, Agent Mulder, you may not. It's either this or the unemployment line."

"You can't fire us for fighting, sir. As someone who has been threatened with termination hundreds of times, I am pretty certain that refusing to spend a week cooped up with her does not warrant firing me."

"Why did you say _her_ like that?" Scully asked, turning to look at Mulder.

"Like what?"

"Like you're trying not to gag!"

"Spending a week with you is not high on my list of things to do before I die. It's high on my list of things that might kill me though."

"Am I really that awful? It's so bad that you would rather quit than-"  
"Yes! Have you not been here Scully? Have you not heard the things we've said to each other over and over and over again?"

"You think I would forget all that, Mulder? It's not like it's been just another fight or something!"

"You haven't seemed to care much, Scully! You just stomp out of the room-"  
"You're the one who slammed the door so hard it came off the hinges!"

"So is this a fight about anger management?"

"You think it would really come down to something as petty as that?"

"It can't come down farther than it's been, Scully!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I think you know."

"How about you both just sit down and knock it off?" Skinner asked, slamming his fist down on his desk.

They both started at his reaction, having forgotten in the last fifteen seconds that he was even there. His face was pinched with a frustration they had never seen before, and Scully sat down quietly. Mulder however, seemed ready and willing to fight this out, and the short explosion with Scully had gotten him riled up.

"What if I decided to bail? What if I quit over this? Then what are you going to do, Skinner? You're going to hand over the X-Files to Scully, the most skeptical woman on the planet who wouldn't know a conspiracy if it smacked her in the face?"

"If you're gonna walk, Mulder, then walk!"

"You think I won't?"

"I think you won't."

"Well I'm going to! I've had enough of this and I'm not going to keep my head in the sand and-"

"Mulder shut up!" Scully shouted, wanting to clap her hands over her ears and scream. "You don't get to leave, okay? I'll go. I've wanted to go for a long time, and you know what? I give up! I don't know if that was your goal all along, for the last five years, to get me to throw in the towel, but if it was, congratulations."

"Both of you sit down and shut up. I don't want to tell you again. You're not going to quit in the middle of my office in the middle of a hissy fit, the likes of which I haven't seen outside of a high school dance. If you really want to quit, you're going to do it right. Fifteen minutes ago I would have cared, but now it doesn't matter. Just get back to me tomorrow with your decisions. Now get out."

They took their manila envelopes and stalked out of the room, separating as quickly as they could, Mulder going to the basement and Scully headed for the bathroom. It was really the only place she could think to go, as she didn't belong in the office anymore. She couldn't leave, she couldn't stay, so she stood at the sink in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Her face was red, she had bags under her eyes, and she looked as though she hadn't smiled in weeks. Frankly, she looked exactly how she felt.


	2. Chapter 2

"I hate it when Skinner's right," Mulder muttered, sitting down on the bench next to Scully.

"Me too," she agreed.

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know."

They sat in silence, staring out over the reflecting pool. She didn't want to talk to him and he didn't want to talk to her, but now they were forced to. Right here on this bench, they had to decide what was most important. Their jobs, their partnership, their friendship, or freedom from the arguing and the hating. Her chin rested in her hands and she replayed the last few weeks in her head. She backtracked, trying to figure out where it all went wrong, where they had slipped up. But she could only remember the fighting. There was not a time that she could think of, even years ago, that was not outlined with some sort of frustration. That didn't, however, change the way she felt when she looked at him. He was her best friend, and she loved him, despite it all.

"I think we should give it a shot," she whispered finally.

"When you're right, it's not as bad as when Skinner's right."

"Does that mean you agree or just that I'm right and you're forced to go with my answer even though you don't like it?"

"It means I agree."

"Okay."

"Hey Scully," he said after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"I don't like fighting with you. I really don't. I know it seems like I do because I've been making it sport lately, but I really hate it."

"I'm not a fan either."

"Any suggestions on how to stop?"

"I'm all out. You?"

"Well, Jack Kerouac once said that his aunt said that the world would never find peace until men fell down at their women's feet and asked for forgiveness," he said moving from the bench to kneel on the ground.

"Oh my word…" Scully muttered, looking down at him.

"Just trying to broker a little peace on earth here."

She smiled and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him up from the ground.

"You don't have to go to all that trouble. Besides, I would have to fall down at your feet and ask for forgiveness too."

"All's fair in love and war."

"That's what they say."

"I guess we'd better go tell Skinner."

"You think you can face him after that incredibly juvenile fight we just had in front of him?"

"Scully, you know me. I have no shame."

She smiled and he pulled her up from the bench.

"I think that it would be a good idea if we put a moratorium on all things controversial for awhile."

"I think that is a very safe idea, Mulder."

Side by side, they walked back together.


	3. Chapter 3

The silence in the car was more deafening than a sonic boom. The windshield wipers went back and forth again, splashing the rain more than clearing it, becoming almost pointless. It dribbled down the side windows and she mentally created races out of the drops, watching them until they detoured and ran together. She sighed and leaned her head against the glass, closing her eyes against the animosity that seemed to flood around them. After that talk on the bench, the decision to move forward and stick together, things had been okay for a while. The were at least able to be in the same room without biting each other's heads off, but at the same time, their shared amazement over that fact really brought to light just how bad things had gotten. It weighed on both of them, it was a constant thought, and eventually it had become the subject of another fight. This one hadn't been as bad as the others, as they yelled and looked at the edge that they had come so close to falling off of, scared that this time, gravity would get the best of them.

So instead of slowing down, taking a step beck, charting a new course, they had stopped completely. Stopped fighting, stopped talking, stopped looking at each other. Cold turkey. They stopped being friends. It wasn't a hard transition, but it was definitely not a welcome one. Neither one of them wanted it, but it ran that direction before either one of them could change it, and it was out of sight before they could figure out the logistics of changing it together.

"Hey Mulder," she said softly, cutting through the noise of nothing.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what I want to say to you, but I want to say something. And I need you to know that."

He was quiet for a while, and she wasn't sure if he was going to reply or ignore her. Neither action would have surprised her all that much.

"Saying ditto would be cheap, so I'll say that I know what you mean and I agree."

She nodded and looked out the window again. She wasn't sure where they were headed, but she didn't really care. Mulder knew and for once, she trusted that he would get them there.

"I think we need a safe word."

"What do you mean?"

"I think that there are a lot of things that are going to come up this weekend, and if it turns into a fight, I don't think it would be good for us to fight in front of people. So we need a safe word if things start to get too… heated."

She nodded.

"Maybe it should be something that makes us laugh."

"We always liked the word oblong."

"Budapest."

"Rhinoplasty."

"Perpendicular."

"Titillating."

"Umlauts."

"We have a lot of words that make us laugh."

"We've been bored a lot."

He smiled and nodded, taking an exit off the freeway.

"Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"We're going to have to stay in a cabin together."

"I know."

"I am gonna apologize now for anything I might do that could be annoying."

"And I am gonna apologize for snapping at you for doing things that aren't really annoying, but I feel like I have to be wenchy anyway."

"You're not-"

"But I have been."

"Maybe."

"You tend to take all the blame sometimes, Mulder. Don't."

"It's easier that way."

"But it's not fair."

"You're right."

"It's a habit. But I also need to stop letting you take the blame. This is both of us here."

"Thank you for that, Scully. Sometimes I forget that you're my partner and not just someone I work with."

"I forget too."

"I want you to know that no matter how corny this stuff is, and no matter what they make us do, I really am going to do whatever I can to fix this."

"Me too, Mulder. And if we fail, well at least it makes a good story."

He chuckled and gave her hand a little squeeze. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday they were going to be fine.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'm sorry this is so short again. I am having a hard time making these chapters much longer, but hopefully I will be able to update more often, if I could get my brain working.

* * *

"Bunkbeds?" Scully said, dropping her bag on the floor. "Are they serious?"

"I get the top! I mean, if you-"

"And this is where you stop just short of making an inappropriate joke."

"You know me so well."

She smiled and moved across the room to flop down on the bed.

"I haven't slept on a bunkbed for about 25 years, and I haven't had a twin size since college. If this is some kind of psychological experiment to bond us as if we're siblings, I reject it now and say we get outta dodge."

"Now Scully, we agreed to try this," Mulder replied, climbing up to the top bunk. "Besides, that first meet and greet session wasn't so bad."

"I guess you're right. Though I don't understand how methods used in marital counseling and anger management are going to help us."

"Maybe we'll be surprised. Maybe we'll find out that we should be married instead of partners."

"Maybe you'll find my shoe lodged in your nether regions."

"You talk big, but you fight fair. I rest in that fact."

"I think Skinner is cackling maniacally somewhere."

Mulder laughed and rolled over to look at the ceiling.

"Would you make fun of me if I said I felt like going to bed already?"

"It's barely nine o'clock."

"That's not what I asked."

"Anyone else, no, I wouldn't make fun. You, the perpetual insomniac? Probably."

"You wound me."

"Just doing my job."

They fell into silence, listening to crickets chirping outside. They were in the middle of nowhere, for lack of a better description, and had been meeting other troubled partners for the last few hours. It seemed that every government faction had pairs that wanted to kill each other, every city had detectives that were out for their partner's blood. It was as if reassignment was such a black spot on a personnel file, that a softer, psychological approach was being taken. No one else really seemed interested in the trust exercises or personally revealing "games" that the instructors had talked about, but Mulder and Scully figured they'd been through worse. It was only a week after all. They could slog through. And if they came out the other side more functional and more civil, then it was worth it. And if they didn't? Well, neither one of them really wanted to think about that.

"Hey Mulder?"

"Hey Scully?"

"Can I tell you something?"

His head popped over the side of the bed and he looked at her upside down.

"What?"

"I'm kind of scared."

"About?"

"Neither of us is very gracious when it comes to introspection. I'm afraid that one or both of us is going to lose it. On someone else or each other. I don't want that to happen."

"I can't promise it won't, but I can tell you that I'm going to do my best to keep it from happening on my end."

"I wish this hadn't gotten so out of hand, Mulder. I wish we could have slowed it down or something. I think back and I'm desperate to know where we went wrong. When we stopped listening and caring about each other and let this hate take over. Did we see it coming? I don't know. I don't remember. It seems like it just happened over night. Came out of nowhere. And if that's true, then it could happen again."

"You wanna know what I think?"

"Always."

"I think that we're so scared of losing each other, and in the last year it's become so forefront in our minds, that we're pushing each other away."

"Do you think we can fix it?"

He sighed and sat up, then jumped off the bed, kneeling on the floor next to her. She rolled onto her side, one hand propping her head up, and suddenly he was in that dark hotel room again, looking into her innocent eyes, hoping that she would understand, frantic to make her believe. He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, an action he had wanted to partake in that night, and so many times since then.

"I want us to fix it, Scully. I really do. I don't think things will ever be exactly the same, but I don't think they'll stay like this. We've gotten through a lot, and I think it's prepared us for this. We're going to be okay, we just have to work at it."

She nodded and he raised up a littler higher on his knees.

"Scully, anyone else, I would have given up."

"Me too."

"Can I come up there?" he asked softly after a moment. She nodded and he climbed up with her, mirroring her position, his hand on her hip. It had been so long since they'd had contact, and for a moment, they just absorbed the feeling, getting to know it again. It had never occurred to either one of them how often they touched each other, and they only realized now that it had been absent so long.

She remembered the last time they had been this close, the last time she had felt his hand on her, the last time his face was the only thing in her line of vision. She remembered it and she missed it, and a tear slid down her cheek as she longed for it again.

"Hey," he said softly, reaching up to wipe the tear away. "We're going to be okay."

She wanted so badly to hear those words again, the ones he had spoken so few times, but in such a simple and contented sort of way that she knew he meant them all the time. This morning she would have slapped him for saying them, but right now she needed them. Three words that brought her home. She closed her eyes and let her mind replay his voice from months ago, recalled his lips next to her ear, his arms around her tightly as if nothing could ever tear them apart.

"_I love you."_

He had said it with such conviction, that even when he was hurling insults and words of hate at her, she still believed those three little words. Maybe that's why it hurt so badly.

"You promise, Mulder?"

"I promise. You?"

"I promise."

They were quiet again, their eyes locked. No communication was needed, verbal or otherwise. They just were.

"We should get some sleep," he said finally.

"Yeah."

He moved away from her and stood up from the bed, stretching and yawning.

"Hey, if I get cold in the night, can I come back down here?"

"No way, you're a pillow stealer."

"I'll bring my pillow with me then."

"No deal. I am a spacious sleeper and you my friend are not. Don't forget I've shared with you before. I always wake up with my personal bubble totally invaded."

He chuckled.

"I've missed this."

"Me too."

He grabbed a change of clothes and moved into the bathroom and she sighed to herself, her hand running over the slightly warm place he had left. She wanted him back there, next to her, in the place she had always found herself. Maybe in time.


	5. Chapter 5

"Do you have any fives?" Mulder asked, sorting though the cards in his hand. A breeze came thought the window and ruffled his hair and he breathed deeply, enjoying the crispness of the night.

"Go fish," Scully replied, crossing one leg over the other and blowing a strand of hair off of her forehead. It had been a long day of lectures and workshops, and they had managed to lay low, but they were still tired. They had returned to their cabin and immediately climbed onto their beds, no words exchanged. She felt like goo laying there, and it had been almost a half hour of silence before he handed her a partial deck of cards with the request to play Go Fish.

"Got any… uh… eights?"

His hand appeared over the side of the bed and he handed her the card. She smiled in triumph.

"Tens?"

"Stealer," he replied, handing her another card.

"Sevens."

"Go fish."

She reached up and took a card off the pile that was sitting on the bed ladder. She half pouted when she got a two.

"Hey Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"Doing this with me. Taking the time. Not giving up."

"Right back at you, partner."

"Now that that's out of the way, can I tell you something else?"

"If you tell me that you're a Chippendale's dancer on the weekend, Frohike owes me two hundred bucks," she said, her tone completely serious.

"You're sick."

"Just trying to make life interesting. What do you want to tell me?"

"Last month, when you were working at Quantico, I had another partner."

She was quiet for a long time, staring at the cards in her hands, wondering if this jealousy was healthy. She swallowed hard. Another partner had always been her greatest insecurity in their relationship. She didn't like having a different partner herself and she certainly didn't want him to have one either.

"How'd that work out?" she finally managed to ask, wetting her lips nervously as she waited for the answer.

"Remember your first case with me? Let's just say she was lacking the patience necessary to deal with me. I didn't make it any easier on her."

She resisted the urge to congratulate him for that, instead nodding knowingly.

"It did make me appreciate what I've got though. I mean, she was smart and competent and the most un-green green agent I have ever met. She'll make a great partner for someone. But she wasn't you."

"I don't work well with others either."

"Two peas, one very strange pod."

"Proud of it."

"And wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China."

"Or anything else in the world."

"Ever."

She smiled and nodded her head.

"I'm glad that we've become so co-dependent. It's like a security blanket."

"We're emotionally stunted. You realize this, right, Scully?"

"Yeah, well we all have our issues."

"You seem pretty comfortable with that."

"I'm content."

He chuckled at her tone and leaned over the side of the bed to look at her.

"Want to go for a walk? I'm restless."

"You're always restless."

"That's not an answer."

"Okay, let's go for a walk. But if you push me in the lake or get me wet, I'm going to kill you."

"Long as we have a plan."

They left the cabin and headed for the lake, slipping their shoes off when they reached the sand. It was cold against her toes and she shivered, wrapping her arms tighter around her stomach.

"Shoulda brought a coat," Mulder said with a chuckle.

"Oh stuff it," she replied, kicking sand at him. They smiled together and continued to walk, listening to the small waves hit the shore. It was nice to be in silence together by choice rather than by circumstance.

"Hey Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"If we didn't work together, do you think we could still be friends?"

"I think we'd have to be, Mulder. We'd both be very lonely people if we weren't."

"Don't you think that without this job, you'd have more of a life? Friends, a man, hobbies besides catching up on sleep?"

"I don't know. None of that really appeals to me much anymore."

"Don't you think it could?"

"I don't know. It doesn't really matter though, does it?"

"Not really. I was just curious."

She nodded and they continued their walk for a few moments before he stopped and stood in front of her.

"Mulder, what-"

His arms wrapped around her and guided her to him, holding on tighter than he had in a long time. She let herself relax into it, partly because he was warm, but partly because he was him. They held the stance for several minutes before he pulled back a little and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Man I've missed you," he confessed plainly, dropping his head so she could hear his whisper. She just nodded and slid her arms more securely around his back, wishing to stay there for a good long time. He brushed his fingers through her hair, cradling her head gently against his chest. There was a lot to say, but they agreed silently to save it for another time. This moment now was too precious for disruption.


	6. Chapter 6

It was late, she was tired, and she had very little patience for these team building exercises. Mulder could tell his partner was getting frustrated, and he tried to joke with her to make it better, but her wry smiles were few and far between. He finally sighed and patted her arm, hoping that would settle her a little.

This particular exercise was annoying him as well, and he didn't really see the point in it. What good was it to tell your partner what you didn't like about them? Yes, he could understand the catharsis and the need for honesty, but he didn't think it was the best course of action for partners already on the edge.

"We can fake it, you know," he said. Scully nodded and gave a slight smile.

"We're such rebels. I would participate in almost anything else, but this seems a little counterintuitive."

"We already know what we don't like about each other, and we both know that we wouldn't change things either. So why do they want us to do this?"

"I guess they weren't prepared for partners who are friends first."

"Are we, Scully?"

"I don't think we could fight like this unless we were. Though I am proud of us for getting along so well these last few days."

"Yeah, it's been a nice change."

"We're going to try another exercise now," the session leader said from her spot near the front of the room. "I want you to face your partner and tell them your biggest secrets and biggest fears about your partnership. Remember to be honest and open."

Mulder rolled his eyes and turned to share a look with Scully, but she had suddenly gone slightly pale.

"Hey, Scully, you okay?"

"I need to go," she said suddenly, standing up from her chair.

"Wait-"

"I can't do it," she said before scurrying out the back door. Mulder looked around and realized that no one had noticed her departure, so he stood up and went after her. She was running, almost halfway across the field that separated the lodge from the woods. He knew he could catch her, but he gave her a little more room, speeding up only when she got to the woods and he was afraid of losing her. She was running without obvious direction, but still aware enough the not trip over logs and bushes. She finally slowed down, leaning against a tree and breathing deeply. Mulder approached quietly, reaching his hand out to touch her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Mulder. I just had to get out."

"What's wrong? All the color drained out of your face."

"I know. I just…" she trailed off as she glanced over at him. "I can't talk to you."

"What? Why not?"

"I just can't. Don't make me do this."

"I wasn't planning on making you, but if it's bothering you this much it seems like maybe I should."

"No. Please."

"Scully," he started, his hand on her shoulder. "It's just me. You can tell me anything."

"I can't," she whispered, looking down at the ground, her toe running through the pine needles.

"Yes you can, you just won't."

"No Mulder, I can't!" she exclaimed, pushing his hand away. "Just trust me on this, you don't want to know."

"Yes I do! It's bothering you, a lot. Enough to run, and you don't run Scully. Ever. So what is it? What's so horrible that you can't tell me?"

"Stop it!" she said, starting to walk away. "Just leave me alone because it doesn't matter."

"It matters, Scully. Don't you get that? If it matters to you then it matters to me."

He chased her and grabbed for her wrists, which he managed to catch before she could pull away.

"Mulder, let me go! Please, don't make me tell you."

"You'd make me tell you whether I thought you should hear it or not."

"Do you really want to know? Do you really want to hear how I blame you for everything, and how I'm scared to death that you're going to find out? Do you want to know that I sometimes curse you for all that has happened? Do you want to hear about all the times I've said that I hate you, that this is all your fault, that you've stolen my life from me? Is that what you want to hear, Mulder? Is it?"

She finally managed to get her wrists away from him, jerking away and stepping back a few feet. Her eyes were wide with anger and fear and she was breathing heavily, waiting for his reaction. There wasn't one.

"So what, now we're just going to go back to normal, pretend this never happened, act like I never said or felt those things?"

"I don't think I can ignore things like that," he said gruffly before turning and walking the other way.

"Mulder, this is what I was afraid of! I knew you were going to stomp off all butt hurt before I had a chance to explain myself. I know you're going to hold this against me and we'll never be the same and it's why I never told you. Mulder, stop!"

"Why? Do you want to tell me more about how much you hate me and how horrible I am?"

"Quit being such a baby! Let me explain."

"Okay, fine. Explain it, Scully."

He stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and she paused, trying to get her breath back.

"Mulder, it's only sometimes that I blame you. Only when I've had nightmares or a bad day, or I'm feeling mean and alone. I know it's not your fault. I know that better than I know anything, but sometimes it's just easier to blame you than to deal with it. And I hate that about myself. I hate that I let myself get mad at you for no reason. I hate that I hold it all inside until it breaks me and breaks you and I hate that we have all these issues because I'm too lazy to deal."

"Scully, why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Because," she started as the tears fell down her face. "I was scared that you'd leave me."

"What?"

"You always walk away when we fight and I was afraid that would happen again. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to fix it and…" her words were cut off by a small sob and no matter how hurt he was, he couldn't help reaching out and drawing her into his arms.

"I'm sorry, Mulder. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay."

"I love you. It's not your fault. I'm not mad at you."

"It's okay, Scully. I understand. Sometimes I blame you when we can't find the evidence I want. And it's not your fault, but it's easier to blame you than to face the fact that we have no control over it."

"I don't want you to leave me, Mulder. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't know how to do anything. I need you with me."

"I know. I won't leave you, Scully. We're partners, for better or worse, in spite of ourselves."

"I think," she started with a hiccup. "I've been so scared of losing you that I keep pushing you away."

"It's okay. We can fix it. But we're going to have to stop keeping things from each other just because we're scared."

"What are you keeping from me?"

He sighed and tipped her face up, kissing the tears away before speaking.

"Sometimes I think that you secretly want me to fail, just so you can say I told you so. I feel like you get some kind of thrill from being right. And I know you don't. I know you want the truth above all else, but sometimes it's like you delight in me being wrong."

"It's not that I want you to be wrong, it's just that sometimes I want to be right."

He smiled and kissed her forehead, eliciting a deep sigh from her. It had been ages since the last forehead kiss and she didn't realize how much she had missed it and needed it.

"We have a lot of talking to do," he said after a moment. "Wanna get out of here?"

She nodded and slid her fingers through his and they walked back to their cabin. Without discussing it, they both shed their coats and shoes and crawled up onto her bed. She snuggled up against his chest, getting as close as she could without actually existing in the same space as him. His fingers combed through her hair repeatedly and she nearly purred. He had only soothed her like this once before, and it had brought them so close together, into such a tight bond that she had thought it would never go away. Each fluid motion of his hand seemed to whisper _calm, fix, comfort, repair._ A tremor passed through her and he kissed her forehead again and hooked his ankle around hers.

"Mulder?"

"Yeah?"

Her mind struggled to think of the words and get them to come out of her mouth the correct way, but the emotions were making it a lot harder.

"I like this," she finally managed to say. He nodded, his thumb brushing over the scar on her neck. "Can we… I mean…when…"

She sighed as her brain failed her.

"I don't want to leave this here."

"We don't have to."

"Okay."

His finger traced her ear, and one by one, she let go of the frustrations and the hurts, the yelling and the tears and held desperately to the sweeter memories. She imagined that the strength of his arms held the memories in, locking them into both of their minds. She knew that eventually they would have to let go, but that time was not now, and they could both hold on as tightly as they needed.


End file.
